Why I Don’t Like Being a “Cop’s Wife”

I’ve spent my lifetime enmeshed in a law enforcement lifestyle.  My dad was a cop, my spouse is a cop, and I’ve made my own career in law enforcement.

I’ve got a lot of time and experience vested in this particular genre of living, and probably one of the most annoying things about the lifestyle, in my personal experience, is the constant assertion that cops’ wives are some sort of super wife – as if by simply exchanging marital vows with the man (or woman) behind the badge, one is somehow venerated to the level of sainthood, or superheroine.  This is the reason why, personally, I hate being identified as a cop’s wife.

I regularly hear from other police wives (usually those that don’t work in the field, or that are new to the role) that being married to a cop is somehow arduous.  There’s the bemoaning of Christmases and other holidays spent without the spouse at home, the disappointment of children’s birthday parties missed, the frustration of odd hours, the loneliness of sleeping alone, and, of course, the scourge of the badge bunny and/or holster sniffer.  (Don’t know what it is? Go and look it up.  I’ll wait.)  Of course, there’s also the superpower of surviving, despite never knowing if your beloved will make it home safe at the end of shift.

Having an active participation in this line of work gives me the unique advantage of know just how dangerous and volatile law enforcement can be on a daily basis.  I’ve also been a police daughter and a police wife for a very long time, and even still, I can say definitively, that while all those “hardships” are legitimate and true, living with them by no means makes one a super wife (or daughter).  The fact that I have intimate knowledge of the job and a longstanding position as the loved one of a LEO, makes me even more adamant about my feelings on being classified as a “cop’s wife.”

I hate it.

Whoa whoa whoa!  Hear me out before we get all riot-y up in here.

I do not begrudge those wives (and husbands) that pride themselves on the special skills it takes to be police-married. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the fact that most people don’t like spending Christmases, or nights, alone.

I’ve had nights when my spouse didn’t come home, and wasn’t able to be reached because he was on a hot and dangerous call, in a “dead zone.”  I didn’t relish in not knowing his location or status.  My spouse has been treated by medics after a knife fight with a rather angry, large woman who happened to be loaded up on illegal narcotics. HIV post-exposure prophylaxis is not a fun ride to take. He’s handled burglaries in progress alone, engaged violent criminals without backup, and had been on calls in the elements for over 24-hours at a time. I can’t even begin to count the number of concupiscent holster-sniffers than have draped themselves over my spouse’s shoulders all kinds of intervals and during all sorts of situations, putting him in very touchy (pun intended), and potentially litigious situations.  I’ve spent many a mother’s day, wedding anniversary, birthday, and major holiday alone.  I, however, still don’t pride myself on being a LEO spouse. Simply being exposed to those frustrating moments doesn’t mean I get a badge of honor for my ability to endure.  (Guys, HE had the knife fight/burglary/shooting/dead body call.  Not me.  HE gets the badge of honor.  I just waited at home.)

I get it, I really do!  I can understand the temptation, for some police spouses, to make that identity and lifestyle a badge of their own, so to speak.  Adapting to that type of life, to quote “Rush Hour,” ain’t for no “punk bitch.”  It absolutely does take a special mind set to understand that, as a police officer, one’s spouse will always answer first and foremost to his (or her) mistress (the job), no matter what time she calls.

HOWEVER…

While this may seem like a less than ideal kind of marital situation, being a LEO wife by no means makes me any stronger, or more noble, than any other wife. Joe Accountant is just as likely to die on his way home in a traffic accident as mine is during a hail of gunfire during a robbery in progress.  Statistics, guys…

I chose to marry a man who puts on a uniform every day and subjects himself to all manner of peril, from the potential paper cuts from shuffling reports to the threat of gunfire or physical attack.

I married a superman.  This does not, by virtue, make me a superwoman.

What this does make me is a woman who must learn to adjust her behavior to better enable her husband to do his job.  It does require that I tap into my reserve of patience and selflessness when duty calls, despite our plans.

In my experience, bemoaning missed birthdays or un-celebrated holidays means I’m more focused on what’s important to me (celebrating together). It’s selfish. I need to learn to be selfless so that the can go do his job without worrying I’ll be brooding about cold Christmas dinner.

Mentioning my devoted concern for his safety while he’s gone simply indicates that I don’t trust his instincts and training to kick in when they are needed.  It’s faithless.  While it’s perfectly OK and normal to worry about him while he’s gone, I should keep my trap shut about my concern.  I need to learn to be trusting of his skills so that he’s not losing his focus because he’s worried about me wringing my hands by the phone when he’s late.

Fretting each shift that he’ll succumb to the wiles of some Jezebel that drapes herself on him like a bad fur while he’s on duty only speaks of my lack of confidence.  He wears a uniform.  He wears it well, and there are women out there that will do all they can to seduce him simply to put another uniformed notch in their bedazzled belt.  Worrying about it, or chiding him to behave, is distrustful and overbearing.  I need to give him the benefit of my complete trust in his fidelity so that he can properly handle the situation without concern I’ll “lose my shit” over perceived impropriety from some one more interested in his profession than his personhood.

I’ve learned from my own experiences that the ability to adapt to circumstances and situations shouldn’t be exclusive to LEO’s wives.  That level of trust and adaptability are the hallmarks of a sturdy marriage, whether the other spouse is a cop, an accountant, or a sidewalk musician sitting in front of the Met.

The idea that, somehow, the ability to roll with the punches should make me some sort of super woman simply because those punches are associated with my spouse’s profession, does me a discredit.  I deserve more than accolades simply for being married to a man with a particular career.  I am a good wife, regardless of what he does at work every day.  My personal opinion is that my husband’s uniform and duty gear don’t magically make me Wonder Woman.  Striving to be a devoted, selfless, faithful, trusting, calm wife is what gives me that title.

I am proud of my husband. I’m proud of his contributions to the community.  I am honored by his dedication to protecting the truth and finding justice.  I think he is incredibly courageous and selfless.  But, despite my pride in the man I married, and his devotion to his livelihood…

I do not want the title of “Police Wife.”  I’m not a member of that club.

What I  do want, is the title of “Homeboy’s Wife.”

For me, that’s enough.